In the short period of time during which these less than cosmic events occurred, many terrible things happened in the world. Perhaps once in a while, a first world nano-drama offers respite and distraction from the horror. Two days ago I posted on Facebook that I had ruined Dad’s birthday cake. Here’s what happened. It was Ruth Reichl’s recipe for “Elvis Presley’s Favourite Poundcake”. This is a superior comestible and simple to make. What could go wrong? Three cups of sugar, creamed with a half a pound butter, seven eggs added one at a time, followed by vanilla, a cup of cream, cake flour, and then beaten violently for five minutes, into the pan, into the oven, wait an hour and – voila - a simple cake so rich that needs no gilding . BUT suppose you accidentally punch the “clear off” button as you’re putting the cake in the oven and setting the timer. You will then have baked a cake at no temperature whatsoever for an hour, and will open the door to - pancake batter?!! I banged my head on the fridge door. I howled, I wept but no tears would come. Ron said, “It’s alright we will go buy a cake tomorrow.” Wrong response!
I let go a bloodcurdling, film-noir scream as loud and as high as I could. Perhaps I should be alarmed: no neighbours called the cops and no one pounded on the door to tell me to stop creating a disturbance. I was probably drowned out by all the fans. Honestly, I felt better immediately. I recommend an utterly unfettered scream every now and then. Perhaps it had nothing to do with the desertion of the Kitchen God. Perhaps it had to do with a week of cleaning blood off the bathroom floor, bandaging elbows, quality emergency room time, and a dear almost-95-year old man who simply could not grok why he had this annoying and awkward thing on his hand. He had broken a small bone near the wrist. He had never had a cast in his life. I remember that perhaps he had cracked a few ribs on a fishing trip back in the 50s in New Brunswick, but neither one of us could remember anything else. The next day he had picked away at all the gauze around the half cast until he looked like a half plucked goose. Back to emergency . New cast. The technician said, “Next time, just cut the gauze if you think it’s too tight.”
The next night when I went into his room and he had undone all the gauze and there sat the cast on his desk. He said, “I didn’t think I needed it anymore.” I reapplied it and wrapped it myself. Then I made a big label with yellow highlights that said, “Do not remove. Remember: broken bone.” I fastened it around the cast. He thanked me. After that, the cast stayed on. It was a few days before we tackled: “The Shower” - with plastic bag on cast. That’s a different story.
Back to the cake. This is about the cake. Though it was 10:30 at night, and the kitchen still stifling, I turned the oven back on, put the cake back in and baked it for an hour. It was dense, but it is hard to make half pound of butter, a cup of cream and 3 cups of sugar taste that bad. Though not Proustian, it was worth keeping to make a trifle or something like that. In hindsight, I should’ve just turned on the griddle and made pancakes. I expect they would’ve been wonderful. I determined to make another one early in the morning. Ron dutifully went out fetched more cream. I was not happy to be using the oven on one of the hottest days of the summer with the cleaning lady about to arrive. Dad’s birthday is always the hottest, closest day of the summer. As I measured the sugar I discovered we were a half cup short and there was no sugar anywhere in the house. This has never happened before. Out to the store went Ron. He is a good man. The cake went in the oven. The cleaning lady arrived. I started churning the three different flavours of ice cream I had made the day before so we could have Neapolitan ice cream with the cake that night at my cousin Tony’s. The cake came out of the oven and I set it to cool.
After the cleaning lady left, I upended it, but it was still not cool enough and came out of the pan looking like it had experienced something seismic. It was meant to be a simple, easily transported cake with no icing. It was also meant to have 9 and 5 candles on it to celebrate the years, but they were no longer on the counter where I had left them. Hmmm? I could not find them anywhere, but I did find the mixer beaters, not hermetically sealed in the running dishwasher as I had feared, but in the wrong drawer. I had egg whites left from making the ice cream and so I whipped up a batch of seven minute icing, a substance that has covered many a culinary fissure in my life, and probably others'.
A complete search by Ron and I did not produce the candles any time in the next two hours. And thus the cake was iced and balanced on my lap over all the potholes en route from our house to Tony’s along with nine old birthday candles that had been moldering in the drawer since Heaven knows when. As Nora Ephron says: “Everything is copy” or at least batter. If I decide to try out the recipe as pancakes some day cooler, I’ll let you know how they turn out.
I let go a bloodcurdling, film-noir scream as loud and as high as I could. Perhaps I should be alarmed: no neighbours called the cops and no one pounded on the door to tell me to stop creating a disturbance. I was probably drowned out by all the fans. Honestly, I felt better immediately. I recommend an utterly unfettered scream every now and then. Perhaps it had nothing to do with the desertion of the Kitchen God. Perhaps it had to do with a week of cleaning blood off the bathroom floor, bandaging elbows, quality emergency room time, and a dear almost-95-year old man who simply could not grok why he had this annoying and awkward thing on his hand. He had broken a small bone near the wrist. He had never had a cast in his life. I remember that perhaps he had cracked a few ribs on a fishing trip back in the 50s in New Brunswick, but neither one of us could remember anything else. The next day he had picked away at all the gauze around the half cast until he looked like a half plucked goose. Back to emergency . New cast. The technician said, “Next time, just cut the gauze if you think it’s too tight.”
The next night when I went into his room and he had undone all the gauze and there sat the cast on his desk. He said, “I didn’t think I needed it anymore.” I reapplied it and wrapped it myself. Then I made a big label with yellow highlights that said, “Do not remove. Remember: broken bone.” I fastened it around the cast. He thanked me. After that, the cast stayed on. It was a few days before we tackled: “The Shower” - with plastic bag on cast. That’s a different story.
Back to the cake. This is about the cake. Though it was 10:30 at night, and the kitchen still stifling, I turned the oven back on, put the cake back in and baked it for an hour. It was dense, but it is hard to make half pound of butter, a cup of cream and 3 cups of sugar taste that bad. Though not Proustian, it was worth keeping to make a trifle or something like that. In hindsight, I should’ve just turned on the griddle and made pancakes. I expect they would’ve been wonderful. I determined to make another one early in the morning. Ron dutifully went out fetched more cream. I was not happy to be using the oven on one of the hottest days of the summer with the cleaning lady about to arrive. Dad’s birthday is always the hottest, closest day of the summer. As I measured the sugar I discovered we were a half cup short and there was no sugar anywhere in the house. This has never happened before. Out to the store went Ron. He is a good man. The cake went in the oven. The cleaning lady arrived. I started churning the three different flavours of ice cream I had made the day before so we could have Neapolitan ice cream with the cake that night at my cousin Tony’s. The cake came out of the oven and I set it to cool.
After the cleaning lady left, I upended it, but it was still not cool enough and came out of the pan looking like it had experienced something seismic. It was meant to be a simple, easily transported cake with no icing. It was also meant to have 9 and 5 candles on it to celebrate the years, but they were no longer on the counter where I had left them. Hmmm? I could not find them anywhere, but I did find the mixer beaters, not hermetically sealed in the running dishwasher as I had feared, but in the wrong drawer. I had egg whites left from making the ice cream and so I whipped up a batch of seven minute icing, a substance that has covered many a culinary fissure in my life, and probably others'.
A complete search by Ron and I did not produce the candles any time in the next two hours. And thus the cake was iced and balanced on my lap over all the potholes en route from our house to Tony’s along with nine old birthday candles that had been moldering in the drawer since Heaven knows when. As Nora Ephron says: “Everything is copy” or at least batter. If I decide to try out the recipe as pancakes some day cooler, I’ll let you know how they turn out.






















